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Of Tranquil FantasiesA serene reverie, doused by boundless fantasies; フルフルフルムーン! |
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June 04 I'd Like To Have Better Things To Say Somehow, I tend to have more things in mind as the holidays come around the corner. Ignoring style slightly, I choose to type this entry based on the chain of thoughts I have in mind and hence, this would sound pretty much like a rant in a few ways. It's a pity but I could never get to write my rants in style as it disrupts my thoughts and hence, causing a mess. I suppose this will have to do. On and on, from time to time, I often claimed to myself that there was only one thing that can truly affect my well being. I would often proudly say that I was resilient to the other variables of life. But recently, I found out there was another factor in life which could affect me. And so it has, actually. I've been thinking about how to solve the problems faced which are linked to this second variable. These thoughts often seek an answer, despite already knowing it at most times. It only wanted a form of confirmation; either that or a sense of sympathy. However, I'd often prefer truth over blatant lies seeking to comfort an individual. I rather be facing with a truth than an illusion of a safe haven. That, is what I'd often choose. When I'd often got my answer, I often shy away whenever being unable to accept it. This was a great issue to me, being unable to accept certain facts. Well, to be honest, my mind's pretty much in a mess in this moment. Yet I choose to continue to write. I'd love to keep myself in a sedated state of depression, but sleep often reignites the clarity in my thoughts. And then nostalgia kicks in. The current mood I dwell in speaks of depression. A depression formed from a feeling of loss and of the failure to achieve a goal. Sigh. Pretty much stuck in the middle in that state without having much things in hands; at the end of the day I'd come home empty handed. Not even with that smile I could always flash; tiny but a smile nonetheless. Tomorrow is another day; hypocrisy kicks in as I recall certain details. I lunge deeper into emptiness as of this moment as I think of tomorrow. And thinking about today, again, I couldn't quite accept it. I just couldn't. I'm so weak. May 29 Turning Behind I've never doubted my capabilities. I always knew who I was and who I could be. I had never doubted myself in tasks which I had set out to do. After all the words I'd said, I knew I could always do it. I would set out, sometimes even at the eleventh hour; but I had never really failed. I was that sure of myself. Yet, here comes another moment when I looked at myself and wondered; what went wrong this time? As I turned around I felt my heart being gripped; I didn't want things to turn out this way but just so it has, I could never play a hand in the manipulation of the situation. It just happened and I had to suffer its consequences. And here I am, short of what I was. Slightly hurt but never swayed. I just wish things were how they were back then. If only so.. 21:00 yesterday I returned to check my trap, but it appeared a Vampire mouse had eaten a piece of cheese without setting it off.
The power of this mouse crippled my courage, setting me back 1,048 points. 22:00 yesterday I returned to check my trap, but it appeared a Mummy mouse had eaten a piece of cheese without setting it off. The power of this mouse crippled my courage, setting me back 488 points. 01:00 I returned to check my trap, but it appeared a Mummy mouse had eaten a piece of cheese without setting it off. The power of this mouse crippled my courage, setting me back 456 points. 01:59 I sounded the Hunter's Horn, but my efforts were fruitless. A Zombie mouse ate a piece of cheese without setting off my trap. The power of this mouse crippled my courage, setting me back 1,230 points. 02:46 I sounded the Hunter's Horn, but my efforts were fruitless. A Zombie mouse ate a piece of cheese without setting off my trap. Additionally, the fiend pillaged 134 gold from me! May 28 That Other Random Rainbow Once again, as my eyelids begin to droop, I picked up my phone to check its status: I have a message! Although the exchange of messages is something very common, a majority of individuals possess a level of excitement when receiving a message. This occurs especially to those who had been expecting one, as they would immediately flip their phone open to check the message. I am no different from the type of person mentioned above; I too have the same level of eagerness of opening a message to read through its contents. Yet, deep inside me, I hesitate to do so. There's a part of me which held me back whenever such a situation approaches; almost acting as a harbinger of negativity. And when that moment comes; when I read the message, I knew why I hesitated. I often reminisce of the past, seeking nostalgia as a form of a memory to remind me of the things I once had. It's strange that I'd keep doing so, especially when it brings no probable benefit to my current well being. Certain things I had cherished much had eventually faded away; my 19 years of existence has been quite a testament to that. I looked at the things I could once hold in my palms; even though through imagination, it would be simply swept away like sands off the wind. I stood up to look to my side; to imagine a spectre of one whom once walked beside me. Yet, by doing so, I could no longer recall their faces to satisfy my reminiscence. In the end, I sat down again, realising that I had indeed lost a lot. And amongst the things lost, nearly all of them could not be reached out to, once again. Despite the common saying that we’d often learn from mistakes, many times do I find that statement rather contradictable or rather, debatable. The statement could support the current system of examinations, where the questions often bear resemblance to certain styles. Therefore, it is possible for a student to correct his mistake whenever he made one. The statement above could also apply to tactical battles, where once defeated, a general would attempt to learn from his mistake which had led him to defeat. By doing so, he would improve his strategy and attempt to ruse victory once again. Yet, in my case, despite losing many things in the past, I realized I never really learnt much about it. Even at this age, I could easily misplace my pen and I would soon forget about it. Things are made worse, when certain circumstances involve two parties. I’d most likely be unable to play every card in hand to maintain a winning battle; in the end, the other party would have a hand to play too. This could eventually contribute to one of the losses I have. So then, if having lost such a treasure be considered a mistake, how would I learn from it? Till this very day, I ponder about this very thought. I look back to the past. I remember the smiles I once looked at to return a similar smile. I once remember the hand I held which was often by my side; to provide me with warmth and confidence. I remember the voice which rhymed through my ears to play a perfect melody; of peace, tranquillity, beauty and happiness. I remember the face I’d always looked forward to, whether it bears a smile or a frown; I’d still seek its presence whenever possible. And when it wasn’t possible, I looked back to the past to reveal a string of indirect conversations which held me close to the device of communication. I’d often check to see if my message has been reciprocated. And if it wasn’t, I would wait. But wait; to whom am I referring to at this very moment? I stopped to think about it and I am sure that there could only be one person who comes to mind. I stopped and blinked and looked around. Yeap, it’s still that same person. It’s funny how things often slip away from my grip. It’s as though they’ve fallen off the cliff and I no longer have the means to reach out to them. Sometimes, I hold on with all my effort but they’d just slip away. Such moments torment me, often causing me to hesitate to reach out for a hand extended. Yet, I understand that in this harsh world, we’d often need to hold on to each other to survive. In my attempt to survive, I shall not just reach out. I’d choose to stand up on my own too; to scale that mountain with my very strength. Only after that would I reach out for the others. May 12 Soldier, Scholar, Dreamer At times like this, when the examination schedule spreads out across the month, we were given the chance to perform our final revisions prior to the test. We were to correct the last of our mistakes and to further enhance our knowledge, hoping to survive the exam as a hero. As a student, it was the least we could do besides looking only to survive without a proper victory. But not all of us could have done the same - sometimes victory is just too far from reach. Some of us fall and never rise again; but it wasn't us who chose it this way. I've been plagued by issues for quite some time already. I'd prefer not to provide much details here, since it's much unrelated. Sometimes, these issues become the crux of my distractions, as I'd often seek out a solution to solve them. This, in return, consumes time which I could have spent dwelling on separate priorities. Yet, never before have I regretted my actions as I see them as a necessity in maintaining certain circumstances. Yes, I might have neglected certain aspects of the present for certain things in life. And I think I still am doing so, unfortunately. But it is me who chose to perform this way. All to reach out for something better, hopefully. With this in mind, I often wonder if faith had any reign in the future; will holding on to something eventually lead to benefits which may sprout? In this context, faith would appear as a past which had led to much success and euphoria to the extent that one believes that the miracle can be repeated. In placing faith in something, I am hoping for something more. But my thoughts begin to show doubt in faith; can we possibly place belief in something which has occurred in the past? Can we trust the past events, believing that certain details possess the immortality to repeat itself? To that, I'm still clueless about. But as for my case, I chose to continue having faith despite my doubts; I mock the idea of infinity in the application of daily life - but yet, I'd still hold on to it with faith - hoping for a change. So then, heart and logic contradicts itself. Where will that take me then? I still hope. I still desire. I still long for it. But for substances which deal with a conscience, it's necessary to consider the thoughts from both parties. This party agrees. The other might not. But I still hold faith. I still want to believe. I still love. April 06 Keyakinan - Ke Depan! Looking back at the past, I thought that I've been a perfect epitome of my principles, always having my actions following the expectations spouted by my words. I always looked back to see how I've been - to compare myself to what I've been saying, especially when I've nothing else to think about. Yet, at most times, I find myself contradictory; I've not kept to my words based on the actions conducted. There would be a small flaw in my actions which may lead to regrettable consequences. Despite so, I survive sometimes. Does this make me a politician? I often tell myself the principles I must abide by; not only for reputation but also to maintain a favourable personality which I would be happy to look back to. Yet, why do I keep failing? Strange. Feeling demotivated, I seeked company of a few associates. I was then reminded that disappointment is normal; it makes us human. He also emphasised that without disappointment, we wouldn't be able to grow stronger. To be general, it is the feeling of disappointment which makes a person stronger. I thought for a moment and mentioned that disappointment could also lead to deterioration of an individual's condition, giving him more strength to lean towards negativity. He agreed and we both agreed that it is indeed in an individual's mind to set his believes to embark on the path he chooses. Only so would he not regret his actions. I smiled. Another friend reminded me of a ship; quite a coincidence, having my brother being entertained by Pirates-oTC III on the background. He told me of his ideas of dividing the brain into a conscience and subconscience. The subconscious part of the brain would take in when one is asleep, while the conscious part would dawn upon one's awakening. He told me to imagine the sailors of a ship being the subconscious part whereas the conscious part would be regarded as a captain. He said that the captain would never sail the ship; the sailors would have to manouvre the ship with its many tasks. It is the captain who would give out orders for the others to function; and hence applying it to one's mind, if one lacks the believe in themselves, they can never attempt to strive to succeed. With the captain hesitating to provide orders for the sailors, pending dangers are beckoned to the ship. In conclusion, if we put our mind and heart into something, neglecting all forms of distraction which may cause us to sway from our task, we will succeed. It is this form of confidence which would eventually lead to success. Now, when I look back to the past, I realise that this is one time to move forward. My footstep begins tomorrow, when I would feel more awake. Hopefully, the race would not have ended by then. *winks* |
Drop me a comment please! Thanks for visiting! 
carsonwrote:
post panjang panjang belaka!! and i had to enlarge it by 250% just to read! xO
Nov. 17
No namewrote:
O.o so indirectly yet obvious LoLz!!!! and why do u set chinese words as im having problem controlling ur webpage~_~
Nov. 14
alicia ohwrote:
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ivannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Oct. 20
Wayne Simonwrote:
That's one damn long post, man. Switch to Blogspot la. Easier to leave comments in ur chatbox.
Aug. 25
carsonwrote:
sa peeps... long live... dota... sa... pool... naan... burgers..
Aug. 19
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